Lindsey Markel Writes About True Things

You think of the word husband one hundred times a day; say Hello husband in the mornings and again at 4:30; practice the words my husband in conversation with cashiers, fellow elevator-riders, other married people (from whom you vaguely expect a response akin to a secret handshake). But most people are used to being married. So many people wear wedding rings; you check in class when they shuffle their papers into stacks, on the street when they squint at their phones in the sunlight, on the plane when the dark-haired woman next to you sniffs sadly and presses a dusty yellow Kleenex to her eyes through the descent. Don’t know what you’re looking for. You wonder how it could be possible that so many people are married, seemingly like you, when it took so much of your own life to get to this place, this marriage: two people who promise to stay beside each other and who also believe in keeping promises. You wonder at how life has so much room within it. 

When you say Remember that time you took me to Olive Garden he says Ugh, and that other time because we had a gift certificate and as soon as he does, you’re both standing in the same memory: Father’s Day 2007 and the food made you sick and you listened to him being interviewed on the radio across town while you puked up Illinois shrimp into his apartment toilet. You sit gaping at the fact that one person will always share so many of your stories. You examine early pictures of you with your husband and look fondly on that old dress, that unchecked haircut.

You measure out your life in archived Gmails. Read one he sent you six years ago; read one he sent you one year ago today. Marvel at how the continents are always shifting.

Feel pangs of guilt (This is not allowed for everyone, and it has been traditionally cruel to women.) Debate. Empathize. Rationalize a little, maybe a lot. (Repeat.)

You work harder. make the coffee in the mornings. Be a braver writer. Buy your stepson a friendly accordion and sing out the melodies of the songs he doesn’t know. Be proud to say the word “family.” Do your laundry regularly, like an adult. You fold your husband’s name into yours.

(Originally published on youareamongfriends.com)